Written on 4/10/2005 11:29:00 pm by sikapitan

Note: This entry was written last week, and it was the one that I failed to paste on the new site. Speaking of which, I've come to realized that I'm having difficulty accessing the MSNspaces site for Undergrounduate. In actual fact, all I keep getting is "this space is currently unavailable...". I'm confused because other MSNspaces are available. I'm not sure what's going on, but until it's all sorted out I just have to stick with blogger. Cheers...

It’s done and dusted. The fifth semester is over (or at least it is until I get my results). It’s been a hell of a ride. The same bike, but a different route altogether. Every time it’s the end of some definitely quantifiable period like semesters or new years I get strangely melancholic, especially if it’s late at night and I’m here sitting in front of my computer. I can’t quite place what the problem is. I should be absolutely delighted that the semester is over. But perhaps it’s the reflection of things done and anticipation of things forthcoming that triggered this despondent disposition on my naturally irrational but cheery self.

It wasn’t the best start for me personally. Trust is the central theme for this semester, or rather the sudden realization that it should not be counted upon in its entirety. Just an observation: People in general are trustworthy in most things. For example, I could trust you 99 times out of a 100 to lock your car or to close the door to my car or to pass me back my pen. Thus, it would be a grave misconception for us to adopt the maxim that “people are untrustworthy”. It’s not that they cannot be trusted at all. They just can’t be trusted with things that matters most to you. I humbly submit that people have this innate ability to somehow disappoint you in one way or another.

But just remember the 9/10 times they DIDN’T disappoint you. I’m disappointed when my friend forgot to pass on an important tip for the finals or to mess up with assignments I have carefully prepared, and I do get upset (I’m very hot-headed by nature) but it’s the realization that they’ve passed you countless notes or they helped you with your guitar playing and other miscellaneous things that helped me to move on.

It’s just that sometimes the frustration accumulates (this is perhaps due to a more pressing “personal” breach of trust of the nature which I have promised myself not to involve readers of this blog..kekeke), and I am now left with this weird syndrome of counting only on myself to deliver. I can’t trust anyone. It sucks being a control freak. I guess that’s what making me sad upon reflection of the past 4 months (could be 5 - help me out here course mates).

You remember that feeling when you left high-school of how you’re sad yet excited to face life and all it entails? You know the one where you’re thinking “Oh man, I’m gonna miss that girl” but at the same time “Damn, college’s gonna be filled with hot chicks”. Or the almost universal belief amongst high-school leavers that you’re going to finish college and get a good job and get laid to a hot chick/duck (?). Even the hopeless failures of our education system left it thinking that somehow they’re going to start an enterprise and prosper. Those with money just smiled their way to Australia or wherever the new trendy study port is nowadays.

But then the years go by, and the sunny outlook is lost amidst the sudden realization that there’s more to life that having fun. A degree doesn’t mean shit for most. I’ve friends who have been searching for work for months. Not only you have to content with the shrinking and ultra-competitive employment arena, you begin to see the reality that working isn’t as glamorous as you thought it would be.

My experience working at a magazine a few years back left me with the impression that even with such interesting subject matters you are inevitably left to deal with working 5 days a week for years and years. Most of my friends who have worked before couldn’t stand it for more that a couple of months. For the ignorant, it was just temporary work but the truth is most people lead their life doing the very same thing we considered as merely temporary. The difference is that they can’t quit because unlike us, they can’t rely on their parents anymore.

It is this anticipation of facing the harsh realities of life that makes me miss the past. I like being able to pick my time, pick my friends and enjoy relative freedom. High-school shapes you, college defines you and working just kills you. The problem with thinking too much is that it leaves you paralyzed with fear. I am scared.

Despite the bleak outlook on life prevailing at this current moment, I do realize that it’s just a phase that I go through with alarming precision every single semester. For the first few days especially, I won’t want to let go. Heck, I am brave enough to admit I miss the trip to Uitm. There’s something great about being around your peers, even complete strangers. People who say you’ll meet more people when you work obviously are blinded by fiction or even the reality of the minority. Go ask your average government servant how many new interesting people they meet. There’s not a single better opportunity to make new friends than the period between high-school and real work.

The point is that by this weekend, I’ll forget the whole damn thing and wished I never have to go to university again. I bet when I start my attachment next month I would be too immersed with work or tiredness to ever bother with missing college. That’s how people lose themselves in their work. It helps them move on with their life. The question that remain is how much of it is really their life? Could responsibilities make you lose who you are? There’s always hurt when you grasp at the past, but at least you’ve made through it. The future though, remains unknown. It could just disappoint you, you know.

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