Motorists here in the capital city of United States of Untung Sahaja (USUS) experienced something unusual after the announcement of the blanket pay rise for civil servants – a discount on their usual bribe amount by the “police”.

One motorist, who refused to be named but proudly drives a BMW X5 with single-digit plate, claimed that he only had to pay the police officer 70 dollars, a 30 dollar reduction from the normal rate. “I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to see 30 dollars being returned to me together with a blank piece of paper. When I asked why, the officer just smiled and said ‘discount’. Who am I to argue with an officer of the law?” said the driver, who claimed that he contributes close to 1000 dollars a month for the officers’ “pension scheme”.

Our investigation revealed that all across USUS, motorists are being asked to pay less than the usual “contribution”. While this is certainly being met with enthusiasm by the general public, certain quarters are understandably unhappy with this development.

One senior officer laments, “Now people think that we give 30% discount to ‘kowtim’ when my gaji only naik 10%. So when I only give 10% discount, people think I’m trying to cheat them. Hello, you think about it laaa…traffic boleh la bagi discount 30% because it only amounts to 30 dollars. If I give 30% discount, that’s 3000 dollars per illegal premise you know? Crazy man…”

A junior officer for the traffic department has this to say, “Since the announcement of the pay rise, most of us give a bit of a discount on our ‘duit kopi’. But this also brings a bit of a problem you see, because previously our take was in round figures…like 100 or 50…but now we only take 70 or 35 but people still give us big change. Where can I find 15 dollars to give back as change? Leceh a bit la…but it’s for the benefit of the rakyat, so now every time we have a road block, one of us will be in charge of petty cash with small change to give back to motorists”.

When asked to comment on the statement by the Police Chief that since officers are now earning more, there is no longer the need for bribery, the junior officer said, “Gila ka. Gaji naik only 30%, how can cut duit kopi 100%. Simple logic man. If naik 100%, then maybe we consider not taking duit kopi la. But the rakyat don’t mind paying for it, so why should we stop? They don’t have to go to police station to pay. The ladies feel better because then no gatal officers will stare at them at the station…so everyone wins what?”.

Attempts to seek comments from official sources in the Government were met with desk-bound clerks whom automatically divert us to a never-ending rendition of the national anthem jingle.

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In a dramatic turn of events, the former Deputy Dictator to USUS withdrew from contesting in his own party’s elections due to a technical restriction imposed by law. Instead, the ever charismatic leader will open up his own silat school, which will emphasis not on physical silat but political silat.

It has been widely tipped that this political silat class will be open up to the general public, but sources close to the leader claimed that the silat class will only be available to those with a post in political parties, including the ruling Untung My Number One or UMNO.

A top UMNO politician who has in recent years being marginalized claims, “I will certainly try to attend the free preview that this silat club has been offering. Every day I receive a call from their telemarketing people offering me 14 day free pass. It’s certainly more worthy than going to Celebrity Fitness. Most of the girls there are too young and politically uneducated to recognize how important I am. So I seldom dilayan mesra…”.

Understandably, UMNO’s vice-president was dismissive of the whole idea, “Sudah tak popular, mahu bukak kelas silat pulak. It’s just a tactic to find more leaders for the opposition. Maklumlah, asyik-asyik hilang orang saja. Anyway, what’s the point of learning silat? Nowadays we all use political sumo-lah. We don’t need to bukak langkah and all that crap. We just go fat, and then push everyone out of the political ring. That’s way more effective…”

Inspired by
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Nenek Berseri Aduh Saleha, the Prime Minister of Malaykesian, called an emergency Cabinet meeting yesterday to discuss the uproar caused by two members of the ruling political party, Barisan Berbaris, in Parliament. Naturally, the emergency Cabinet meeting was held in Courts Mammoth in conjunction with the mega promotion on cabinets.

As a result of the meeting, the PM instructed Datuk Wan Daud Kilat, the Minister for Men, Polygamy and Karaoke Development Ministry and also one of only two male members of the Cabinet to meet with the two MPs, Nenek Sayang Salmah (MP for One Utama) and Nenek Oh Azizah (MP for Sogo) to discuss the comments made by them last week in Parliament.

The issue started last week in the Dewan Rakyat when opposition MPs, led by the only male opposition MP, David Manhood (MP for Red Box Karaoke), tried to raise a motion on the setting up of flag poles all over Government complexes. David Manhood gamely stated that the “erection of these poles does nothing but pose more danger to paper aeroplanes and people jumping off the buildings”.

MP for Sogo and One Utama both stood up and rather comically said in unison, “Mana tegang? Red Box Karaoke pun tegang setiap hari”. Everyone laughed, except for the men in Parliament (which numbers about 4, but as usual, only 1 attended).

The newspapers went berserk the very next day, as the actions of the two MPs only further heighten the sense that in Malaykesian, the men are treated as objects rather than human beings. The NGO known as the Y.M.C.A quickly tried to enter the spotlight by holding a press conference, but as the leaders of the group were bi-genders, they were immediately dismissed as being apolitical.

The Coalition for United Men or C.U.M for short (and long) were more successful in presenting a petition to Datuk Wan Daud Kilat who immediately promised to bring the matter up to Cabinet. Unfortunately for Datuk Wan, not everyone in the government shares his view on the comments.

Ass-kisser in the Prime Minister’s Departmental Store, Nenek Syasya Aziz, laughed off the matter and said, “Ini perkara kecil saja. Memang kecil pun David Manhood tu…what is there to talk about? This pencil is bigger you know. It’s normal in Parliament for debates to be a bit personal. Don’t you know that we are living out our fantasies by arguing like little kids in Parliament? It’s very relaxing to call people names. It’s part and parcel of democracy. You see the word democracy also has the word D-E-M-O and C-R-A-C-Y. As you know in Kelantan “demo” means “you” so democracy actually means “you are crazy”!!! What? You don’t know meh…aiyah, tak makan nasik ka?”


At press time, the two MPs are busy with the Parkson Mega Sale.

Go figure.

She is brilliant. Honestly, she is. Okay, maybe she’s not, but her marketing team must be geniuses. I mean, who could have possibly predicted that Paris Hilton, the hotel empire heiress and one-time amateur “porn star” currently pursuing a “singing” career, would be sentenced to 45 days in prison? In today’s warped world of celebrity-hungry media, Paris Hilton once again appeared in every major newspaper, looking very glamorous no less.

I guess after disappearing for one month from the general public’s consciousness, somebody must be thinking that Paris requires another dose of controversy just to spice things up for Miss Hilton. Paris (yes, we are on first name basis now, thank you) is the perfect example of a worldwide obsession with the famous, regardless of talent and ability. She represents a new breed of idols that became famous simply for being famous. I know that term sounds a bit weird, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

We Malaysians are not immune to this phenomenon. I mean, can anyone here actually remember what Camelia does for a living? Oh, she might list “singing” as her occupation, but I haven’t heard anything remotely memorable from her in recent years (her latest attempt at being techno-mystical don’t even qualify as singing) AND yet she’s had more pictures in newspapers and magazines than most other average singers.

It pays to be beautiful, of course, but it also helps to have a bit of panache when it comes to style (which she has in spades). The only thing lacking are some scandalous pictures or videos, but that wouldn’t bode down well with our conservative society. Thus, Miss Camelia (yes, she is available gentleman), and most other reality TV ex-contestants, perhaps we should just list you as somebody famous…for being famous.

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DAFI IS OUT!

There IS hope after all. All this while I’ve given up on seeing Malaysians vote intelligently, resigning myself to the fact that in Malaysia, credibility and ability means nothing. No, I’m not referring to the Ijok by-election (not yet) but Akademi Fantasia. Finally, the jambu looking yet katak sounding Dafi is out of the competition. It’s not that the rest are worthy champions (which none of them appear to be) but because this kid has stayed on for weeks simply because of his looks.

On that note, I don’t think it’s fair if I over-criticized him for staying that long in the competition. I can’t even blame the public (ie. young girls and old men with different taste) for voting him. I mean, is it his fault when there are actually people, supposedly professionals, who thought that he has talent? Somebody MUST have thought (erroneously) he could sing before they took him in.

Don’t forget, there was a selection process, whereby Astro had the opportunity to go through thousands of singers. And they chose him. They are saying “Boy, you can sing”. So this kid goes in, happy to be there, trying his best with his limited ability. He must be surprised to find out how little people think of his “talent” to sing because hey, the “professionals” in Astro said that he can sing. So between professionals who said he can sing, and the general public who thinks he can’t (please, be honest), we’ve got a massive chasm of confusion as to the real purpose of Akademi Fantasia and their whole selection criteria.

Astro should believe in the true spirit of the competition, and not try to dilute the spirit of a talent contest by politicizing the selection process. There is an imbalance this season because it appears that the selection committee was more preoccupied in choosing those who look good on camera rather than those who can sing. I believe that the Malaysian public is more mature than Astro give them credit for. Nobody is denying the appeal of the complete package singer, but the key word here is “singer” – not poster-boy or dancer or model. Go figure.

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ELECTION POSER

On the subject of voting, I wish to congratulate Barisan Nasional for managing to retain Ijok in the recent by-election with a bigger majority than the last incumbent. However, far from me being a gloomy spoilsport, careful analysis must be made to find out why more than 4,000 voters believe that Keadilan represents a better value to them. 5000+ against 4000+ isn’t a big margin, especially considering the political machinery available to Barisan.

The mass media, the manpower, the financial resources, the suddenly effective implementation of government projects should all contribute towards a total wipeout of the opposition who could only rely on ceramahs and gatherings. Yet, this was not the case. No one is denying the fact that a strong opposition showing is a great indication of and advertisement for Malaysian politics, but it remains a fact that almost half of the voters wanted a change, and that doesn’t bode down well if we are to translate this into national voting trend.

It implies that at least 4 out of 10 people want a change in government. More worryingly, there might be those who voted for Barisan because they believe that the alternative is no better but they are still dissatisfied with the present government. This means that there may be more people who are unhappy than those who are. Barisan may still walk away with a new mandate in the next general election, but the underlying discontent among the average Malaysians must be addressed.

I do not believe that poor economy is the reason for such discontent. Malaysians have been through worse patch than before, and though the government must be more proactive in correcting the imbalance of wealth in this country, it is not the sole reason for such dissatisfaction.

I’m guessing that the present restlessness stems from the fact that there is no longer a unifying grand scheme that paints an optimistic view of the future. There is confusion as to what Malaysia wants to be, and how to achieve it. Are we still an industrial based economy or are we really shifting towards agriculture? What happen to K-economy? Are we going to turn into the Halal hub of the world? There are simply too many projects with diverse interest and objectives. It’s not economic downturn that’s affecting us, but economic confusion!

There must also be a national agenda; such was the case when Tun Mahathir was in power, to bind Malaysians together. Social issues such as violent crimes, lack of quality graduates, antiquated education system, collapse of the family institution, the failure to combat menace like the Rempits are all contributing factors that further highlight the lack of cohesion on national policies.

In any case, I’m joining UMNO soon though I’ve been waiting for the form since last week (see, even the recruitment process is laid back and so typically Malay…). Go figure.


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GLORY GLORY…

UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! 9th Premiership title in 15 years. Ferguson has successfully built another championship winning side. This squad is not the complete article just yet. I believe the addition on a top class striker (who doesn’t get injured often) like David Villa or Sam Eto’o plus two midfielders (Pederson and Gattuso would be my pick, but Hargreaves looks likely to head to OT) would certainly make Manchester United more formidable.

It’s ironic that we actually clinched the title through a series of penalty decisions – two in the Manchester derby, and the one at Highbury. Even more ironic was the fact that the title was wrapped up in matches involving two of Man United’s greatest rivals – Manchester City and Arsenal.

I know Man United and the top teams dominated the PFA team of the year, but I would like to offer “The Best of the Rest” team sheet (just to indulge in a bit of fantasy football).

Goalie: Ben Foster (ironically, on loan from Manchester United) of Watford
Defenders: Steven Taylor (Newcastle), Jonathan Woodgate (Midboro), Michael Dawson (Tottenham), Joleon Lescott (Everton)
Midfielders: Mikel Arteta (Everton), Steve Sidwell (Reading), Gareth Barry (Aston Villa) Pederson (Blackburn)
Strikers : Benny McCarthy (Blackburn) and Mark Viduka (Midboro)

Manager: David Moyes (Everton)

And so it is, just like you said it would be…I guess it’s bound to happen this season. Yes, I am still referring to football, though this wouldn’t be all about that. It’s just that, to be fair, I couldn’t just write about Manchester United when the results are going our way. As a true United supporter, I have to admit that this hurts. Oh, what am I referring to?

United just lost 3-0 to AC Milan, and that means it’ll be Liverpool v. Milan again in the final. I shouldn’t have expected too much, but the way this season has been going, it’s hard to resist. It was another great European night, and to be completely honest, Milan deserved to win that game, and United deserved to lose.

I find it funny sometimes how delusional supporters can be. I am not. I know when I’m beaten. You just have to pick yourself up after that sort of mauling. Yes, mauling. Outscored, outmuscle, outsmarted, and out of the competition…this Champions League run came one season too soon for this batch of United stars.

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Okay, one collapsed ceiling calls for an investigation; two requires complete inquiry and accountability, but three within 2 weeks? I don’t know if this stirs up the conspiracy nuts amongst my readers, but consider the fact that the first incident at the Immigration Department occurred just when the Ijok by-election was in full swing. And just then TWO more government complexes suffered the same fate.

Oh yes, nothing should detract from the fact that in Malaysia (or anywhere else in the world actually), there are contracts awarded to firms that does not have the capability and/or ability to carry out the projects. We see it all the time in shoddy work carried out in government and municipal projects. No doubt we must get to the root of the problem, which is the decline in the standard and quality of Malaysia’s workforce. How can we be attractive to foreign investors if our own government’s building cannot be build without collapsing?

BUT, you still have to wonder. How ironic and coincidental is it for three incidents, of a similar nature, occurring within a short period of time? (Cue the theme from the X-Files).
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National Service…oh my, what more can I say? I have been against it since its inception. I am against the whole concept, but right now since it’s in full swing, is it wrong for me to expect the government to have a good go at it? The policy of having National Service can be debated till Kingdom comes, and that’s our role as model citizens – always questioning and arguing to ensure that the Government remains in check.

But once it is implemented, steps must be taken to ensure that it’s properly executed. I guess this is what the upper echelon of Malaysian politics have been arguing – the improper delivery system. Failure of the delivery system has been used as a reason for the comical execution of government’s policy. In fact, the leaders have somehow managed to disassociate the implementation of policies from the formulation of policies – making it seem like there are two elements of governance and that they cannot be blamed if the civil servants mess up their ideas.

Do you agree with that line of thinking? If it’s accepted, it means that we are actually denying the government’s accountability for their actions. Who are you to blame then when your children got lost in the jungle? What if your daughter was raped at one of these camps? What if your son died of asthma at one of these camps? Is it enough to blame the man who raped, the supervisor who failed to watch over your son? Shouldn’t we take a look at the condition in which these events take place? Shouldn’t blame be assigned to those who set the events in motion leading towards your son losing his life for lack of medical attention?

Who placed your children there? Who exposed them to such risk? Is it a calculated risk? Is the return worth exposing them to such danger? Is the objective of such camp makes it necessary for “compulsory” exposure to danger? Yes, bad incidents happen in maybe 1 out of a 1000 kids, but that one kid could be yours. Shouldn’t you have the right to say “Hey, I don’t feel that my son needs racial integration” and refuse to send them to National Service?

Go figure…

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By the way, I caught this dude, Blake Lewis, on American Idol last night and he gave an interesting rendition of Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Hard Name. Is it any wonder that Idol still has credibility when compared to other reality shows?