Discount on duit kopi


Written on 5/26/2007 07:31:00 pm by sikapitan

Motorists here in the capital city of United States of Untung Sahaja (USUS) experienced something unusual after the announcement of the blanket pay rise for civil servants – a discount on their usual bribe amount by the “police”.

One motorist, who refused to be named but proudly drives a BMW X5 with single-digit plate, claimed that he only had to pay the police officer 70 dollars, a 30 dollar reduction from the normal rate. “I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to see 30 dollars being returned to me together with a blank piece of paper. When I asked why, the officer just smiled and said ‘discount’. Who am I to argue with an officer of the law?” said the driver, who claimed that he contributes close to 1000 dollars a month for the officers’ “pension scheme”.

Our investigation revealed that all across USUS, motorists are being asked to pay less than the usual “contribution”. While this is certainly being met with enthusiasm by the general public, certain quarters are understandably unhappy with this development.

One senior officer laments, “Now people think that we give 30% discount to ‘kowtim’ when my gaji only naik 10%. So when I only give 10% discount, people think I’m trying to cheat them. Hello, you think about it laaa…traffic boleh la bagi discount 30% because it only amounts to 30 dollars. If I give 30% discount, that’s 3000 dollars per illegal premise you know? Crazy man…”

A junior officer for the traffic department has this to say, “Since the announcement of the pay rise, most of us give a bit of a discount on our ‘duit kopi’. But this also brings a bit of a problem you see, because previously our take was in round figures…like 100 or 50…but now we only take 70 or 35 but people still give us big change. Where can I find 15 dollars to give back as change? Leceh a bit la…but it’s for the benefit of the rakyat, so now every time we have a road block, one of us will be in charge of petty cash with small change to give back to motorists”.

When asked to comment on the statement by the Police Chief that since officers are now earning more, there is no longer the need for bribery, the junior officer said, “Gila ka. Gaji naik only 30%, how can cut duit kopi 100%. Simple logic man. If naik 100%, then maybe we consider not taking duit kopi la. But the rakyat don’t mind paying for it, so why should we stop? They don’t have to go to police station to pay. The ladies feel better because then no gatal officers will stare at them at the station…so everyone wins what?”.

Attempts to seek comments from official sources in the Government were met with desk-bound clerks whom automatically divert us to a never-ending rendition of the national anthem jingle.


In a dramatic turn of events, the former Deputy Dictator to USUS withdrew from contesting in his own party’s elections due to a technical restriction imposed by law. Instead, the ever charismatic leader will open up his own silat school, which will emphasis not on physical silat but political silat.

It has been widely tipped that this political silat class will be open up to the general public, but sources close to the leader claimed that the silat class will only be available to those with a post in political parties, including the ruling Untung My Number One or UMNO.

A top UMNO politician who has in recent years being marginalized claims, “I will certainly try to attend the free preview that this silat club has been offering. Every day I receive a call from their telemarketing people offering me 14 day free pass. It’s certainly more worthy than going to Celebrity Fitness. Most of the girls there are too young and politically uneducated to recognize how important I am. So I seldom dilayan mesra…”.

Understandably, UMNO’s vice-president was dismissive of the whole idea, “Sudah tak popular, mahu bukak kelas silat pulak. It’s just a tactic to find more leaders for the opposition. Maklumlah, asyik-asyik hilang orang saja. Anyway, what’s the point of learning silat? Nowadays we all use political sumo-lah. We don’t need to bukak langkah and all that crap. We just go fat, and then push everyone out of the political ring. That’s way more effective…”

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